One of my virtual mentors is Sally Clarkson. She is a woman, probably a bit older than my own mother, who write some wonderful books geared towards moms, homeschooling, and families. I have read both The
Mission of Motherhood and
The Ministry of Motherhood, several years ago. She recently co-authored a book with Sarah Mae, a mother who is about my age, with three children about the same age as mine.
This book is called
Desperate: Hope for the mom who needs to breathe.
I have to be honest, when I first heard about this book I thought, "No way....I hate that title, and I'm not desperate." It wasn't until I noticed a book review by a blogger I respect, Time Challies,
reviewed the book and said he is going to promptly pass it on to his wife. When I read his review, I figured that I needed to get past the title and give the book a chance.
From page one, I felt like Sarah Mae was writing my story. The idea of the book is that it is a collection of letters and thoughts from a young mom (Sarah Mae) and her mentor (Sally Clarkson). Honestly, several times while I read Sarah Mae's portion, I looked around my house for cameras, just sure that she was spying on me and writing about my life (or my day or attitude). And, I was so relieved and encouraged when I read Sally's reply.
They talked about the perfect little mothering dream we all seem to have (but quickly realize is not reality), the difficulties we have created within our culture of "I don't need any help" (that's me!), when really we are crying out for the help of our mothers, or aunts, or grandmothers. They talked about when ' the darkness invades', the lack of training most of us have to be mothers, dealing with our own selfishness, issues we may have with housework, the need for time alone and with friends, and much more.
I have generally stopped reading parenting books because I always feel like even worse of a parent. I feel condemned because I do it this way, or that way. I never once had this feeling with this book. I felt like I understood and related to Sarah Mae's struggles. And I felt encouraged and spurred on by Sally's responses. I can honestly say that I did not agree with every piece of advice that was shared....but that's just what it is, advice to reflect on, ideas to consider and then use where you deem appropriate.
Here are a few of my favorite portions.
Chapter 1: "In this culture of quick satisfaction and gratification, many of us have never been taught to believe that someday we will have to give an account to God, face-to-face, for the spiritual, emotional, and moral work that we steward in the lives of our children...My home, then, became my kingdom over which I longed to rule well as I was crafting lives, my own children for His glory.
This kingdom of home is the place of refuge, comfort, and inspiration. It is a rich world where great souls can be formed, and from which men and women of great conviction and dedication can emerge. It is the place where the models of marriage, love, and relationships are emulated and passed on to the next generation.
...Understanding that the best and most lasing "work" I would ever do was wrapped up in my call as a mother gave me a grand scope for my life such as I had never known before..."
Chapter 2- On being alone:
"Going at it alone is, without a doubt, one of the most common and effective strategies that Satan uses to discourage moms. A woman alone in her home with her ideals eventually wears down and become a perfect target for Satan to discourage."
..."I learned that I had to become an initiator if I wanted to have friends and fellowship...Having a friend who shared my ideals was essential to my own well-being and the emotional health of my family."
..."I have had to start almost every group to which I have ever belonged. One of the first lessons I learned was to not be discouraged if others did not invite me." (whew boy....have I had to struggled through THAT this year!)
She gives a strategy with out to develop different groups...
1. look for a few women my age who have children the same ages of my children.
2. Look for an older woman in the church or in a ministry whom I think might stimulate me spiritually....
3. Find a mom or woman who is younger than I to befriend and offer encouragement.
I love this...."seek out younger women in whom to invest my life and time because I had so longed for such fellowship and friendship when I was starting out. I have found that when I feel responsible to encourage other younger moms in their walk with God and in biblical ideals, I am more encouraged myself to live up to the standards I am teaching."
Chapter 6- Lack of training
"...don't measure your success in life by your ability or inability to do housework efficiently...'Where no oxen are, the manger clean (Proverbs 14:4). When I realized that I had six oxen in my stall all the time, it gave me peace knowing that the messes that reflected the six people in my home were a part of having all of us together!"
Chapter 7- Selfishness:
(This is from Sarah Mae, but could have been me!)
"I guess the truth is that I liked watching my children explore when it was new for me too. When I had one little one and everything was a grand experience for the both of us. Now, after three babies, the new is gone and I'm back to my ugly root: self.
Selfishness is an ugly, life sucking disease that infests our very DNA....I ache for the hearts of my children who have been put in front of a TV screen, so that I don't have to entertain them. I ache for my ugly heart, and how desperately I want it to be beautiful and humble like that of my Father. This selfish blood that burns me with guilt and threatens the souls of my children, this selfishness cannot live. I need to bleed it and be filled with the blood of the One who laid down His very life for those He created. This is the sacrifice we are called to make:'Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.' (John 15:13)"
(A small, cut up portion of Sally's response)
"...is that it's boring to play with little children sometimes. Sitting on the floor playing ponies and trying to drum up conversations between Star Song and Rainbow Dash gets old really fast. Two, we know that if we sit down to do that craft, our two-year-old is going to jump in, make a mess, fuss, upset the older ones, and everything is going to go south fast.
Choosing to enter into the mundane with our children, who see playing ponies as anything but ordinary, is a sacrifice of love. Choosing to enter into a project that will probably turn into a training session is also a sacrifice of love. We will have to choose patience and kindness over frustration and giving up...It means taking the time to cultivate the souls of our children...It shows them we care, and we want to be a part of their worlds. I think it also shows them the Father's love.
Are your children still in the home with you? You have time! Ask Jesus to help you, to mature you, to teach you how to begin laying down whatever it is that has your attention and choose to offer yourself to the souls in your care. You will be glad you are able to one day look back and say, "I was intentional: I was faithful: I chose my children." Put in the work now."
