The date

I didn't really plan on doing this, but I felt like I needed to bring complete closure to a very difficult time in my life...so...here it goes.

Today is my due date.  The day was honestly not as difficult as I anticipated (I have been secretly praying over this day for weeks).  I knew it would come - and it has, and now, hopefully I can look back and see how the Lord used my unexpected pregnancy, and even more unexpected loss in a way that, I pray, has brought him glory. 

6 months ago I lost the little baby I was not expecting, but had "made room for" in my heart and life...only to have him or her taken before they could breathe their first breathe.  I have learned a lot through that time, and through a summer that was so terrible, I'm not sure anyone really knew what was really going through my head. 

The past six months (ok, the past year) have been incredibly challenging, at times - flat out depressing and hopeless feeling, and recently, incredibly miraculous.  So many thoughts, emotions and feelings have flooded my mind and heart that I often don't know whether to laugh or cry.  But, the past six months have stretched my faith further than I knew was possible...yet, the entire time, I knew God was holding, not just my hand...but my heart.

After my traumatic miscarriage, extreme loss of blood and near instantaneous loss of pregnancy hormones - I struggled.  I know this might sound crazy because I was "only" 12 weeks...but, for the first time ever I understood what true post partum depression was.  Even in my deepest, darkest moments, I knew (although I didn't want to admit) that God was still holding me.  I knew because I was not acting according what I was feeling.  I knew The Holy Spirit was allowing me walk a dark path, yet was refraining me...holding me back.  I experienced thoughts and feelings that I know will help me to better empathize  with others, really...for the rest of my life.  Some of the greatest missionaries, pastors and writers have walked darkened roads, and knowing that has encouraged me. 

But, that darkness left almost as fast as it came.  By the middle of August, my mind became more clear. 

Looking back now, I'm not sure I would have changed anything.  One of my closest girlfriends went through a nearly identical loss, just a few months later, and I was able to walk with her unlike what others may have been able to do. 

Even the day we lost the baby, I knew and reminded myself that "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord."  I pray his name has been blessed, even through the loss of a pregnancy, a dark summer, the loss of a friend's baby, the redeeming of a mind blinded by pain, and a marriage strengthed through difficulty. 

And now, it's here.  The date I would have begun feeling anxious (because I'm always overdue).  The date I had already thought about for hours, then dreaded for months.  And, just like in mid May, I have thought to myself all day "Michele, The Lord gives and the Lord takes away...Blessed be the name of the Lord."  May His name be blessed and honored in my very simple life.  May he continue to mold and shape me so that He may use me to encourage other believers and non believers as we continue on our journey of life.

2 years old...already?

Today was my little buddy's birthday.  I can hardly believe he is two years old.  My sweet little baby boy is not a baby anymore.  He is a full on toddler who loves baseballs, footballs, cars and trucks.  He has a strong spirit, but loves his mamma.  He gives great kisses and loves to play peek a boo. He runs everywhere he goes and love to ride his little tricycle up and down the sidewalk.  He hates broccoli and loves black beans.  Nathan doesn't eat much for dinner, but he spends 45 minutes eating breakfast.  He says "Thank you", "cole (Nicole), and "nana" (Hannah) better than anyone on the planet.  Nathan loves to be chased...and loves even more to be caught.  He is a lot like his big sister Hannah but loves to talk to Nicole.  Nathan likes to watch Micky Mouse (I can't even write how he says it...kind of like "ha ha", I'm not sure where that came from) and is just now discovering Thomas the Train. 

Nathan is a precious little boy whom we adore.  I hold him and love on him every chance I get because I know those times will disappear more quickly than I realize.  We are so grateful for him and pray that he would grow up to be a man who love the Lord, is bold in his faith and strong in his love. 

Happy Birthday little guy!  I love you more than you will ever know!!!!

Mamma :)

A new Era

Today is a big day in our home.  We have been in a time of transition through a difficult year.  I am not comfortable sharing most of it on this blog because it is public, but I am happy to share how the Lord has heard and answered our prayers in person, on the phone or even through email.  I have rarely seen God move in such dramatic ways as I have seen Him do over the past 3 weeks.  This will be a marker in our lives, I am sure.

On to why it's a big day....Jeremy is starting his new job!  We are relocating a few hours north, Lord willing, by the middle of December (or a bit sooner).  On the same day Jeremy put his two weeks notice in at his last job, we got a signed contract on our home here.  We took off a few days later to look for a place to live.  We now have a contract on a home up there.  A home much larger than our current home and at a smaller cost.  Now, we are continuing to pray the sale of our house here would go through and that we would be financed for our home "up there".  (by the way, I am saying "up there" on purpose...if you know where we are moving, please refrain from putting it in comments, at least for now)

Once we move, I will be blogging a lot more.  We will be a few hours away from family, and I know those grandmothers will be all over me if I'm not posting pictures and stories of their grandchildren ;)  We will also have no outside responsibilities, at least for a time as we search for a church home.  I will be able to continue Classical Conversations up there.  I am so excited to be a part of the group...already they have welcomed us through email correspondence.  God even worked out the little things, like CC, for us.

The next few weeks will be full of packing, goodbyes and busyness.  So, if I don't check back in until December...that is why. 

Until then, know that I am grateful for the Lord for his provision in so many ways.  Pray for Jeremy as he starts a new job, for me as I pack and for our family who we are moving (a little bit) away from...I think it will hardest on them.