The date

I didn't really plan on doing this, but I felt like I needed to bring complete closure to a very difficult time in my life...so...here it goes.

Today is my due date.  The day was honestly not as difficult as I anticipated (I have been secretly praying over this day for weeks).  I knew it would come - and it has, and now, hopefully I can look back and see how the Lord used my unexpected pregnancy, and even more unexpected loss in a way that, I pray, has brought him glory. 

6 months ago I lost the little baby I was not expecting, but had "made room for" in my heart and life...only to have him or her taken before they could breathe their first breathe.  I have learned a lot through that time, and through a summer that was so terrible, I'm not sure anyone really knew what was really going through my head. 

The past six months (ok, the past year) have been incredibly challenging, at times - flat out depressing and hopeless feeling, and recently, incredibly miraculous.  So many thoughts, emotions and feelings have flooded my mind and heart that I often don't know whether to laugh or cry.  But, the past six months have stretched my faith further than I knew was possible...yet, the entire time, I knew God was holding, not just my hand...but my heart.

After my traumatic miscarriage, extreme loss of blood and near instantaneous loss of pregnancy hormones - I struggled.  I know this might sound crazy because I was "only" 12 weeks...but, for the first time ever I understood what true post partum depression was.  Even in my deepest, darkest moments, I knew (although I didn't want to admit) that God was still holding me.  I knew because I was not acting according what I was feeling.  I knew The Holy Spirit was allowing me walk a dark path, yet was refraining me...holding me back.  I experienced thoughts and feelings that I know will help me to better empathize  with others, really...for the rest of my life.  Some of the greatest missionaries, pastors and writers have walked darkened roads, and knowing that has encouraged me. 

But, that darkness left almost as fast as it came.  By the middle of August, my mind became more clear. 

Looking back now, I'm not sure I would have changed anything.  One of my closest girlfriends went through a nearly identical loss, just a few months later, and I was able to walk with her unlike what others may have been able to do. 

Even the day we lost the baby, I knew and reminded myself that "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord."  I pray his name has been blessed, even through the loss of a pregnancy, a dark summer, the loss of a friend's baby, the redeeming of a mind blinded by pain, and a marriage strengthed through difficulty. 

And now, it's here.  The date I would have begun feeling anxious (because I'm always overdue).  The date I had already thought about for hours, then dreaded for months.  And, just like in mid May, I have thought to myself all day "Michele, The Lord gives and the Lord takes away...Blessed be the name of the Lord."  May His name be blessed and honored in my very simple life.  May he continue to mold and shape me so that He may use me to encourage other believers and non believers as we continue on our journey of life.