Life...

with 3 children 3 and under is...well, boring would definitely be the WRONG word! It's mostly crazy, exhausting, funny, stressful, entertaining, aggravating, fun, maddening, insane....the list could go on.

This post is mostly for me. Sometimes I write posts for friends or family...but this one is for me. To vent, to remember, to learn, to create as a memory. This blog has sort of become a giant memory book, and this post is written for that book.

I'm quite sure I experience the entire range of emotions, except grief, a person can experience, each and every day. I can't say that a day goes by that I'm not totally stressed out, or laughing hysterically, or frustrated, or angry, or goofy, or calm. I'm pretty much all of those things at some point every day. Some days I'm more stressed than calm or more goofy than angry.

Some thoughts I've had in the last 8 1/2 weeks...

~It's incredibly hard to potty train a toddler with an infant in the other hand. I think I've given up until Nate can at least sit on his own.
~I can only go one place in any given day, and it's best if I wait several days between venturing out of the house alone. What I mean is...if I don't make it to the grocery store over the weekend, I generally MUST go on Monday, and that is the only place I can go that day. And, I better not forget anything because that's the only time I'll make it to the store that week.
~Publix, again, is the best grocery store on the planet. Although I feel like I'm driving a semi-cart, their extra large cart with a bench for two bigger kids is perfect for pushing Nicole and Hannah while Nate is in the Moby Wrap.
~I love my Moby Wrap, even though I was ready to toss it in the wind (not really Teri) at first. That thing is incredibly comfy, Nate likes it, and it allows me to get a lot of work done, especially if I'm out and about. It is also funny because people freak out when they see just legs hanging from my belly.
~An infant's smile does make up for all the crying. I already knew this...but it's hard to remember it during that first month and a half. Now that Nathan is regularly smiling at me, it makes his fussy times bearable.
~I think a great age spacing of children is 3 years. I wish Hannah were a bit older. She's to young to be any help at all (especially to herself), but she thinks she's big enough to do things. It's just insane at times. I don't think I can totally explain.
~I'm totally counting down until I'm finished breastfeeding. I have been pregnant or nursing for 4 1/2 years, minus 2 months between Nicole and Hannah when I was neither pregnant nor breastfeeding. 44 more weeks left.
~I've been alone twice. Once was two weeks ago, I got to run errands while the babies slept were suppose to be sleeping. And last Thursday, when I was at the dentist for two hours getting a crown put on (not my head:-(  Next time I hope to be doing something more fun.

~Nicole is an incredible big sister. I love how she is so sweet to Nathan. I love when she calls him Nate.
~Hannah is a sweet big sister too. She is always concerned when Nathan doesn't have a paci in his mouth. And, she was the first to share her stickers with him today.
~I love that Nicole and Hannah are sharing a bed. It's so sweet to watch them bond and play together, even if they should be sleeping. Yesterday, at nap time, Hannah had her head on Nicole's belly, and Nicole was playing with Hannah's hair. They were talking. Today Nicole was playing "This little piggy" with Hannah and making her laugh hysterically when the last piggy went "wee wee wee all the way home". I hope when they are older, this time will help them to become sweet friends and that many memories are shared between them.
~Jeremy is an amazing husband and father. He has really "stepped up" to the plate in helping me out. I appreciate his willingness to help with dishes, or get the girls bathed and ready for bed if I am otherwise busy with Nathan. He is gracious when the house is cluttered with toys or when the bed still lays unmade.
~I thought by now we would be falling into a schedule or routine. Not so much. I still can barely get everyone fed, dressed and groomed before 10 am...myself included.
~I won't lie...there have been a few days so hectic that I saw Jeremy's van pull up and I dropped everything to go brush my teeth and my hair, for the first time that day.
~The girls have watched at least 3 times more TV in the past 2 months than I've ever let them watch. It's so tempting to just turn it on for a few hours, because Nicole won't move, and Hannah will be somewhat interested.  I try to save those times though for the morning I MUST get a shower and dry my hair to go somewhere that I need to look presentable. 

~My hopes of gardening with my girls and baby boy sitting in his chair have died. Our garden is fruit vegetable less, and the recent freezes killed whatever was still growing.
~I am less sure of my mothering now than when I had just one, or even two.
~I feel more judged now by how my children act than I ever have.
~My walk with God is so unsteady. I feel unworthy in so many ways, which both drives me to Him and away from Him. I guess it depends on the day which way I go. Some hard days I feel ashamed and as though I can't talk to Him, other hard days, I just want to cling to Him. I wish it were the latter more than the former.
~I love my family and am grateful that God has allowed me to have a loving husband and three healthy children. I realize I am blessed.
~My selfishness glares it's nasty face WAY more often than I'd like. Most of the time when I'm frustrated it's because something hasn't turned out MY way and I'm mad about it.
~Some days I wish I could move away and have my family all to myself. You know...like Little House on the Prairie (which we are almost finished reading aloud). I want to live in a little house on a lot of land that Jeremy maintains. He can come home for lunch every day and the children play outside in the trees and ponds with no distractions like tv or computer or phones.
~Other days I want to sit the kids down in front of those distractions...All Day Long
~I haven't really spent any time with or spoken with many friends in the past few weeks. I'm just to busy or wiped out when I have a minute. There are a few I email on a regular basis, and I'm thankful for them. But, my person to person contact has dwindled significantly. I think this will get better again in the next few months.
~ I wrote the above statement last week when I originally wrote this post.  Yesterday I happened upon a friend while we were both at Chic-Fil-A.  She was an answered prayer.  We sat and talked for an hour while the kids played in the play area.  It was so refreshing, and JUST what I needed.
~I really need to get my eyes check. I can't see my pastor's face at church, it's just a blury oval, or read the clock on the stove when I'm sitting at our table. But, I feel bad getting my eyes checked and ordering glasses because I've had them in the past and lost them. I'm terribly irresponsible when it comes to those things.
~I want to play more games with Nicole and read to her like I used to.
~I want to sit and hold and hug and rock Hannah more, like I used to. (Ha, I just wrote that one and she woke up crying. Instead of shushing her and making her lay down, I picked her up and did exactly what I wanted...I hugged and rocked her. She is so big. It seems like yesterday when I was rocking her to sleep every night with her little head on my chest.)
~I want to enjoy Nathan more as a baby, because he's already changing so fast.
~I really want to be a good wife and mother. It's one of my greatest desires.
~I wish Hannah didn't suck on a paci anymore, but I'm not up for that battle yet.
~I'm afraid I'm missing out on a lot teaching opportunities with Hannah because I'm so inconsistent right now. Mostly because my hands are usually full with Nathan and I can't deal with situations as quickly as I'd like.  Plus, Hannah is the Master of Distractions.  Seriously...this girl has you talking in circles until you've forgotten why your even trying to discipline her.  She's got it down!

~My other greatest desire is that my children know and love the Lord.
~There have been days I wanted to give up and let someone else raise my kids because I just didn't think I could do it anymore.  And then, there's other days that I don't want my children around anyone else except me and Jeremy. 

~I can't decide if I'm going to post this because I know there will be a few people who will choose to read this all the way through and have nasty judgmental thoughts about me. Even people who love me, and I'm having a hard time with that...you know....knowing that I haven't pleased somebody.  Because of that I've gone through and deleted a lot of my thoughts.

~I'm doing the best I can...even if that means just treading water for a few more weeks and accomplishing little on my to due list.
~I still like the idea of having children close together in age.
~I like the book of Proverbs and have been learning a lot from our pastor's series and from reading on my own. There's an incredible amount of wisdom there in parenting your children...why do I feel like I need others opinions?
~I want to let loose a little more and just have fun and be silly. I take life WAY to seriously.
~I hate running, but have enjoyed using the treadmill, once I turn it on anyway.
~I have eaten way to much chocolate and drank way to much Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb...but they have a calming effect on me. It's like a drug I think.
~When Nicole was born, Jeremy installed a camera in her room looking into the crib.  The camera displays on our TV.  Right now it's pointed at the girls in bed so we can yell at them to "lay down" or "stop hitting each other" from the living room.  I actually think it's really fun to just sit and watch them interact. 
~I often look at my children and wonder what they'll be like in 5 years or 10 years of 15 years.  I feel like I've got "glimpses" of what Nicole will look like when she's 15...it's a bit creepy sometimes.  I love to think about it though.  I don't have big dreams like "I want my son to be a professional baseball player, or my daughter to be a doctor"  I don't care much they do...I care more about what they become.  I dream more of them being kind and loving, compassionate and giving...Godly young people who love the Lord and love others. 

~My life is crazy, filled with wet and dirty undies and diapers, markers written on paper, hands, faces, walls and floors, play-doh...both molded and eaten, messes made and cleaned hours later, incredible amounts of spit up...projected on the floor, in my hair and on the couch, sticky hugs, wet kisses, silly routines that must be followed each night, a husband who loves me, and three children who keep me busy and on my toes. Really....I'm truly blessed.